Intimacy Checkup
In a book called “The Intimate Marriage,” Howard and Charlotte Clinebell say intimacy “is like an instrument with many strings. The music couples make together comes from playing on a variety of combinations. The idea is for each couple to aim at discovering the particular harmony and melody of intimacy that they find satisfying.
The Clinebells say there are at least twelve “strings” on the instrument of marriage. So think of a harp or a twelve-string guitar. If you’re in an exclusive, life-long relationship, you can use this information to discover the kinds of intimacy you and your mate would like to shoot for, and to come up with an action plan for developing them.
“Communication intimacy” is the foundation. This is simply the ability to talk with each other: “How’d your day go?” “How did the sales meeting turn out?” “How did the conversations go with the kids’ teachers?” From there you move on to talking about the more involved things. But the starting point is being able to talk to your mate with the knowledge that you’re really being heard and listened to.
“Emotional intimacy” is the ability to share the thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears, joys and hurts that come from deep inside you and are near the very heart of who you are. Some couples develop so much emotional intimacy they can often sense what their mate is feeling before a word is said.
“Intellectual intimacy” is the closeness that comes from sharing the world of ideas: reading a great book, studying an issue you both care about, discussing a stimulating lecture or documentary.
“Aesthetic intimacy” is the closeness you develop as you share experiences of beauty. Maybe you like going to the symphony together, or touring art galleries or great museums. Maybe you like to share the beauty of nature: listening to the waves as they break at the sea shore, walking through a grove of giant redwood trees in California, watching the fury of a storm, or simply enjoying the tranquility of a sunset.
“Creative intimacy” is about two people combining their skills to create something that wouldn’t exist without them. It may be conceiving and raising their children, growing a garden together, planning and building a house together, composing music together, or writing a book together. It may be helping each other realize their full potential as a person.
“Recreational intimacy” is the closeness that develops when we share experiences of fun and play. It could be golfing, boating, hiking, bowling, biking, sailing, dancing, or any other hobby, game, or recreation.
“Work intimacy” is the closeness that develops when two people feel they’ve done a good job working as a team, sharing in the broad range of everyday tasks that are involved in maintaining a house, raising a family, earning a living, or participating in church or community projects.
“Crisis intimacy” is the strength that comes from standing together in the face of the major and minor tragedies that are part of any life. The Clinebells tell of a man who was involved in a near-fatal automobile accident and spent nearly 6 months in the hospital recovering. When the episode was over, the man and his wife said, “It was sheer hell while it was happening, but it has given us a new love for each other.”
“Conflict intimacy” is different. This is the ability to face up to, struggle with, and resolve the differences you encounter in your relationship. If you haven’t encountered any differences, you must be just getting started! They’ll be there. There’ll be differences when it comes to money, power, sex, in-laws, raising kids, handling careers, juggling schedules. The survival of your relationship may depend on finding a way to face up to and resolve those differences together.
“Commitment intimacy” is the closeness you develop when you share a dedication to some value or cause that’s bigger than the two of you, something both of you find worth investing yourselves in. Someone has called this “being captured by a common cause.” I like that. When a couple is captured by a common cause, it creates a powerful bond between them.
That brings us to “spiritual intimacy.” We’re talking now about the meaning of life, about faith, about our relationship with God and how we express that relationship in our everyday lives. Experts say that no other factor does more for a marriage than spiritual intimacy. It shapes every other aspect of the relationship, from what you think about money, to how you raise you children.
The final form of intimacy is “sexual intimacy.” Sex provides some of life’s greatest treasures, it also exposes us to some of life’s greatest hurts. You’ll hear very little on TV or at the movies about the sadness and anger that accompany sexual rejection. You’ll hear very little about unwanted and unexpected pregnancies. You’ll hear very little about sexual dysfunction -- except in commercials! You’ll hear very little about the cynicism of people who have had every conceivable sexual experience except a good one.
Full sexual intimacy is so personal, so mysterious, so profound, so sacred that it ought to be reserved for people who are bound together in an exclusive, life-long relationship.
